My self-esteem. Or maybe the problem was my lack of courage. Whatever it was, it was stopping me from doing what I wanted to do. What I needed to do. I don't think I know anyone else who is scared to IM someone. That's just pathetic. But I manage, I suppose. Staring at the computer, petrified. The only thoughts I could make sense of were, 'Oh, crap. He's online.' They, of course, went to the places where those thoughts generally seem to go. In my case, at least. 'Should I IM him? Maybe he doesn't want to talk to me.' In my case, they also followed that trail all the way to, 'Does he know I have his screen name?' and 'Does he even remember mine?' The butterflies in my stomach told me to just sign off and go to bed; I'm about ready to pass out from exhaustion anyways. But the fluttering in my heart told me that he just might actually be sitting at his computer thinking the same thing. As the ongoing battle between the two raged, my hands trembled over the mouse, unsure as to whether clicking was the right thing to do or not. And then, when I finally mustered enough courage to do so, he signs off.

Thing to Work On: No. 2 - Timing.

I just started high school two weeks ago, as you may know, and the first couple of days I didn't sleep at all. Then on Friday or so, I slept in really late. I was talking to my ex about it, and it turned into a rather amusing series of conversations. Since you dunno me yet, you need a little back story. Ethan is my ex boyfriend. I went out with him in seventh grade, and he dumped me about a year and a half ago. While we were going out, I spent a lot of time with him, just kinda hanging around my neighborhood. When I hung out with him, I met his best friend, Jeffrey, 'cause he lived in my neighborhood too. Jeffrey used to hate me, but after me and Ethan broke up, we started hanging out a lot, and this year he adopted me as "his" freshman. So we're pretty much besties now. He started going out with this girl last year, Alex, and it ended up ruining his friendship with Ethan. Ethan had a crush on her at the time, and he got all immature about it and moved to Port St. Lucie. So whatever. He and Jeffrey aren't friends anymore, but I still talk to him from time to time. Okay, not really. The day this conversation happened was the first time I had talked to him in a long time. Audrey's just my friend from school who I tell everything because she doesn't really know any of people who are generally involved. So this is what happened.

Me: I probably would have missed the bus this morning had jeffrey not called me.
Ethan: um what?
Ethan: jeff called you?
Me: mm-hm.
Ethan: holy shit. is the world ending or something?
Ethan: that shouldn't be until 2012...
Ethan: jeff jeff?
Ethan: like the jeff i know?
Me: yes...
Ethan: do me a favor? hit him or me the next time you see him
Ethan: be like, jeff, this is from ethan
Ethan: and punch him in the arm
Me: but I don't want to hit jeffrey.
Me: I'm his freshman.
Me: he'll kick my ass.


Then I told the whole story to Audrey, 'cause I had already been giving her the play-by-play of my conversation with Ethan. Just 'cause he was actually talking to me. (shocker):

Me: and I'm like
Me: well, I can't hit jeff.
Me: I'm his freshman
Me: he'll kick my ass.
Audrey: lmaoo
Me: you know he will, too.
Me: I'ma ask him.


And I did:

Me: what would you do if I hit you?
Me: just curious.
Jeffrey: idk?
Me: would you kick my ass?
Jeffrey: no?


And so did Audrey:

Audrey: what if I hit you?
Audrey: would you kick MY ass?
Jeffrey: wow freshmen
Jeffrey: shut up

So, after this all happens, I put it in my AIM profile, right? Just 'cause it was pretty darned funny. I tell Jeffrey that he's in my pro, and he goes, tell that bitch to unblock me. I asked him if he was talking about Audrey, 'cause she tends to do that. And he said he meant Ethan. I assume that Jeffrey saw that Ethan told me to hit him, and isn't happy about this. So now I'm waiting for the drama to go down. I'm thinking Ethan is really lucky that he moved so far away. Jeffrey's already gonna fight some senior kid because Jeffrey "started shit."